


Stick Around (Today It Is)

by mikayla_paige



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Cancer, M/M, Past Suicidal Thoughts, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 16:22:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9279746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikayla_paige/pseuds/mikayla_paige
Summary: Tyler, a boy with cancer who ignores his suicidal thoughts and plays the ukulele, meets someone with green hair whom he definitely doesn't write a song about.





	

**Author's Note:**

> based on the song "We Don't Believe What's On TV" and a little of this performance https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZoR-a0e5gU

“Hey,” Tyler’s mother whispered. “Good morning.” 

It wasn’t morning. It was actually four in the afternoon, but the purple circles under Tyler’s mother’s eyes made it seem like two in the morning. 

Tyler blinked a few times. He had just woken up out of a sleep that he didn’t know he had even fallen into. 

He glanced up to where the television usually was (he was hoping that maybe Star Wars or The Lord of the Rings was on) but found that it wasn’t there. He furrowed his eyebrows and looked around. He wasn’t in his usual room—the one with the curved television and the red kitchenette. 

He looked down; an IV was stuck in his left hand, and a heart monitor was strapped around his left forearm. He heard a machine running behind him. 

He was in, what looked like, a post-op room. That was crazy, he thought. He hadn’t had an operation in a little less than a year, and his doctor had told him that he probably wouldn’t have to have one any time soon. 

“Good morning,” Tyler croaked back, his voice weak from lack of use. 

His mother smiled warmly at him. “How are you feeling?” 

“Tired,” he replied. “Hungry.” 

There was a large window to his left; out of it, he could see the many intersections and parking decks that surrounded the hospital. He could also see a few trees and other office buildings and sky scrapers in the distance. He saw a Taco Bell beside an intersection that was full of cars. 

“Taco,” he said, his voice still barely audible. 

“We’ll get tacos some other time,” his mother assured him. “But right now, Dr. Hain says you need to rest and that you can’t eat too much.” 

Tyler coughed. It burned his throat. “Why?”

His mother slid her chair closer to his bedside. She took his right hand in both of her own. Her voice held a bright, friendly tone, as if she were delivering a story rather than some negative news. “Last night, let’s say,” she glanced at the clock on the wall,” maybe seven…seven thirty…you started complaining about a sudden, sharp pain in your side. I was worried, so I called a nurse in. He looked at what he could, but he didn’t see anything. You had started crying, saying that the pain was terrible, so he called Dr. Hain. It took him maybe twenty minutes, but he eventually came in. Turns out, that the piece they used to put your rib back in place after your last surgery had come loose. Dr. Hain isn’t sure how it happened, but they took you back for an immediate operation to fix it.” 

“So I had another surgery?” Tyler whispered. 

His mother nodded. “Yes, but they fixed everything that went wrong. Nothing should happen again.” 

“Dr. Hain said that I would have another surgery.” 

“He did,” she replied, “I know. But this wasn’t anything like the last one.” 

Tyler had been diagnosed with cancer, some kind that he struggled to pronounce, in his liver and lung about two years ago. At the time, it wasn’t a big deal. The doctors said that the spots weren’t very big, and that a few radiation treatments should take care of it all. He had gone through the treatments, gotten many tins of oatmeal cookies from old women from his church that he didn’t know, but the cancer hadn’t gone away. Many scans had been taken, and the disease seemed pretty stable. The doctors planned on monitoring it, just in case it grew, in general, or to another part of his body. 

The doctors always seemed to be wrong. It had been time for his first three months’ scan. Instead of coming back the same or negative as the doctors had thought (or hoped), it showed that the disease had spread throughout his liver even more—more than the doctors were willing to let go untreated. 

He had had more radiation treatments, but they proved futile. His new doctor, Dr. Hain, told him that he would most likely have to undergo surgery to remove what diseased tissue could be removed. That surgery had been in April. The results of it seemed to be wonderful. Much of the cancer had been removed, but there was still enough that they wanted to keep him in the cool little apartment-like complex thing attached to the children’s hospital to keep a close eye on him. Dr. Hain had said that Tyler was making good progress and that he wouldn’t have to have surgery anytime soon. Now it was December—a week and a few days before Christmas—, and he had just had another operation. It had been to fix a faulty metal joint or whatever, but Tyler still associated surgery with cancer.

“Did they find more? What was…” Tyler’s last question trailed off. 

His mother shook her head. “You have two scans scheduled for next Wednesday, one just to make sure the new piece is settled in nicely, and the other is a normal MRI.” 

Tyler hated MRIs. The long machine made him all claustrophobic, and the loud sounds gave him headaches and nightmares. 

He must have made a facial-expression in reaction to her news about the scan, because his mother squeezed his hand a little tighter. 

“It’ll be okay,” she told him. “I know you don’t like them.”

Tyler didn’t verbally reply. He was tired; talking made him even more tired. He nodded his head to imply that he understood.

“Dad and Zack should be here soon,” she told him. 

Tyler nodded again. He really wanted to go back to sleep. He really wanted Taco Bell too. “Can they bring me Taco Bell?” 

His mother smiled. “Maybe tomorrow, honey,” she told him. “Dr. Hain said you can’t have much food until then.” 

Tyler shook his head, very upset that he couldn’t have Taco Bell, but very tired too. The latter feeling took over and dragged him back to sleep. 

+

Tyler woke up in the same room, but, this time, it was dark out. He heard his brother snoring somewhere to his right and his mother and father whisper-bickering about something. He kept his eyes closed, hoping they hadn’t noticed his waking, so he could discover what his parents were fussing about. Sure, they would call it eavesdropping, but Tyler called it curiosity. 

“Chris, I understand,” his mother whispered, sliding her hands in and out of her pockets like she did when she was nervous or just stressed, “but they’ll just have to get past it. I know we haven’t missed a year before, but there’s no way the doctor’s going to release him in time.” 

Tyler’s father sighed. “Your sister said she would take the others over, right? 

“Yes,” his mother replied, “We have it all worked out. I already have all the presents for the nieces and nephews purchased and wrapped. They’re under the tree at Mom’s house.”

“You don’t think that it would be, I don’t know, different without him there?” his father asked. 

“Of course, it will, but everyone expects it to be. There’s nothing we can do.” 

Tyler’s father glanced at his watch. “It’s almost eight,” he said, wrapping his arms around his wife, and whispering something to her that, this time, Tyler couldn’t hear. When they came apart, Tyler’s mother wore a small smile. She glanced at her oldest son, though he didn’t see it with his eyes closed, then back to her husband. “Maybe we can Skype or something,” she suggested. 

Tyler’s father nodded. “We’ll figure it out. I just don’t want anyone to be disappointed.” 

“No one is going to be,” Tyler’s mother replied. “It’ll still be Christmas, just a little different, that’s all.” 

They were both silent for a few moments before Tyler’s father took a deep breath. “I better get going.” He kissed Tyler’s mom on the forehead. Then he walked over to both Zack and Tyler. He tapped Zack on the arm, waking him from his nap. “You going with me?” he asked. 

Zack blinked a few times. He looked toward the window, trying to figure out what time it was, and then to his father. “Can I stay here?” he replied, still sleepy. He really wanted to go back to sleep. 

“Sure,” he replied, and Zack closed his eyes again. He would have to drop him off at the hospital in the morning on his way to work anyway. 

He leaned over Tyler to whisper goodbye to him without waking him, but Tyler opened his eyes. “Bye,” he told his dad. “Don’t forget to turn on the Christmas lights this time.” 

Tyler’s father smiled. “I won’t, but you need to get some rest. “

Tyler rolled his eyes. “I’ve heard that like a thousand times today.” 

“Well, then it must be the truth,” his father told him. “I’ll be back tomorrow about four,” he said. “I’m getting off early.” 

Tyler’s mother verbally acknowledged his comment, Tyler nodded in response, and Zack continued snoring. 

Tyler’s father picked his keys up from the counter. He pointed toward Zack and said to Tyler, “You keep an eye on him, alright?” 

Tyler grinned. “If you say so.” 

His father smirked. “Bye. Love you all.” He left the room and closed the door behind him quietly. 

Tyler’s mother began to dig through her tote bag for something. She eventually pulled out a blanket, went over to Zack, and laid it over him. He was still curled up in the small chair with his head against the wall. 

“Mom?” Tyler asked.

“Yes, precious?” she replied, gently moving Zack’s arm so it wasn’t crammed beneath him. 

Tyler took a deep breath before continuing. “What were you and dad talking about earlier?” 

His mother furrowed her eyebrows and sat on the corner of Tyler’s bed. “What do you mean?”

Tyler reached up and fiddled with his hair—a nervous habit of his. “You, uhm, you were saying that Christmas was going to be different and something about Skype.” His statement sounded more like a question. 

“Well,” she began, “you know how we have Christmas at Nana’s house every year?” 

Tyler nodded. 

“As of right now,” she continued. “I don’t think you’re going to be able to make it.” 

Tyler’s eyes widened. “What? Why not?”

“Dr. Hain wants to keep an eye on this new piece—make sure it’s healing properly—and that could take three weeks,” she explained. 

Tyler shook his head. “But, I…” he couldn’t find the words. “That’ll ruin everything. What about the game of Monopoly that we always play? Who’s going to be the banker if I’m not there?” 

His mother gently stroked his arm. “I know, but there’s nothing we can do about it. Your health comes first.” 

He didn’t know what to say. Part of him agreed with his mother that his health indeed came before their traditions, but another part of him thought that his absence could somehow ruin everyone else’s holiday and make them hate him eternally. Since he wasn’t quite sure how he felt, Tyler just nodded and closed his eyes. 

Tyler’s mom leaned forward and planted a light kiss on his forehead. “If you’re up for it, maybe we could go down to the coffee shop and get some hot chocolate in the morning?” she suggested. 

She was referring to the little store in the lobby of the hospital. They sold many different kinds of coffee, hot chocolate and tea. Tyler was fond of the place. The people who worked there were always so nice. 

“Sure,” he responded. “I’m going to sleep now,” he then mumbled. He had forgotten how drowsy recovery from a surgery truly made a person. 

“Goodnight,” she whispered, first to Tyler and then to Zack. She turned the biggest lamp off but kept the small one in the corner on for herself. 

+

It was the next morning, and Tyler was seriously regretting his agreement to going to get hot chocolate. Because of his surgery, Dr. Hain didn’t want Tyler to put any unnecessary weight on his right side for a few days. That would mean that, wherever he went in that time, Tyler would be in a wheelchair. He really didn’t want all the extra attention that that gained. He didn’t like little kids pointing at him and whispering curiously up to their parents about him. He had half hoped that Dr. Hain would’ve said that, no, it was a bad idea for Tyler to be up and about, but, instead, he had said that everything was looking surprisingly well and that a little change of scenery would do Tyler some good. Now, he, his mother, and Zack were sitting around a little table, clutching cups full of warm liquid. 

The lobby of the hospital was decorated for Christmas. Gold and red garland was strung everywhere it could have been and fake snow was on top of all the bookcases and all the other shelves in sight. In the middle of the lobby was a huge tree. Tyler assumed it to be fifteen, or so, feet tall. A huge star was on top of it, and silver and gold ornaments were all over it, and many presents were under it. Tyler didn’t know who the presents were for, but his mother guessed that they were donations sent in by families who wanted to do something nice for the children in the hospital at Christmas. Tyler didn’t understand that. Everyone he knew at the hospital had families and plenty of gifts every year, but his mother said that it was the thought that counted and that he should appreciate their kindness.

Tyler’s mother had pulled out a book that she was reading, Tyler was still observing the Christmas decorations, and Zack was staring somewhere over Tyler’s shoulder. Tyler raised an eyebrow at his brother when he noticed. 

“Zack?” he asked before looking over his shoulder to find with what his brother was so interested. There was a girl with long auburn hair sitting beside a little boy in a wheelchair. Tyler thought he recognized him, but he had spoken to almost everyone in the hospital at least once. He shook his head and looked back to his brother. 

Zack noticed Tyler looking at him. He nodded toward the girl. “Do you think I have any chance with her?” 

Tyler shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe.” 

Zack rolled his eyes. “Do you think I could ask her out or get her number?” 

“Zack, I don’t know. Why don’t you go over there and find out?” 

Zack took a deep breath. He took a slow sip of whatever he had gotten—Tyler hadn’t paid enough attention while they were ordering to remember. When he looked back toward the girl, she and the little boy and been joined by another guy who was holding two cups of coffee. Tyler chuckled and looked back to his brother. 

“What do you think her boyfriend’s going to say about you asking her out?” Tyler asked. 

Zack scoffed. “I’m hoping that he isn’t her boyfriend.” His previous smug look had turned into one of, still confidence, but with underlying anxiousness. He leaned over and asked their mother if he could go speak to his new crush. She grinned and said sure. 

Zack stood up. “I’m going to go talk to her,” he told Tyler. 

Tyler sat his hot chocolate down. “All I know is, that you better hope that that guy’s not her boyfriend. You’ve got no backup if he is and a jerk.” 

Zack sighed. “I do too.” 

Tyler had just enough time to pick up his hot chocolate from the table before Zack was pushing him toward the girl. “Why are you taking me?” Tyler protested.

Zack leaned down so only Tyler could hear him say, “You said I didn’t have any backup. You’re going to be my backup.” 

Tyler made a confused sound. “This isn’t…” he didn’t finish his statement. He sighed instead. 

Zack parked his brother’s wheelchair beside the girl’s hopefully-not boyfriend. 

“I’m Zack,” Zack introduced himself, holding out his hand. 

The boy furrowed his eyebrows but took Zack’s hand anyway. “Josh,” he replied. “Uhm, how are you?” 

Zack swallowed. “Fantastic. I was just wondering…” he slid his hands into his pockets, “Do you know if she’s single?” He averted his eyes to the auburn-haired girl and back to Josh. 

Josh shrugged. “I think so,” he replied. “I don’t really know, though…why?” 

A smirk had been slapped across Zack’s face. He didn’t answer Josh’s question. 

“He wants her number or whatever,” Tyler answered Josh’s question for Zack.

Josh looked down to Tyler. “Oh,” he replied, shaking his head. “Her name’s Natalie. She’s my cousin.” 

The boy in the wheelchair to whom Natalie had been speaking’s, Tyler assumed, mother came up to them, said a few words he couldn’t make out, and wheeled him away. 

Zack looked to Tyler then to Josh then back to Tyler. “I’m going to go talk to her.” 

“Good luck,” Tyler replied as his brother sauntered off to the new girl of his infatuation. 

Josh sat down on the bench beside Tyler’s wheelchair. They both watched the exchange between Zack and Natalie with amusement. Zack’s smirk had widened, and Natalie wore a little grin and a light pink hue on her cheeks. 

“Your friend seems to have done a good job,” Josh told Tyler when Zack and Natalie took each other’s phones and punched in their numbers. 

Tyler chuckled. “He’s my brother,” he corrected, “but yeah, he hits on almost every girl he sees. He’s got to be good at it by now.” 

Josh smiled. “What’s your name, again?” 

“Tyler,” Tyler introduced himself. 

“Nice to meet you,” Josh replied. He continued watching Zack and Natalie. 

While Josh wasn’t paying attention, Tyler observed him. Tyler thought people were interesting—how they dressed, how they spoke, how they acted. He could usually tell a lot about a person by those things. Josh wore a pair of black jeans with holes in the knees, a pair of bright pink tennis shoes that clashed horribly with his purple hoodie, and a backwards snapback with the Vans logo on it. Under the hat, Tyler noticed his hair. 

“Dude, you have green hair?” Tyler asked, momentarily entertained and amused by it.

Josh turned back toward Tyler. “Yeah,” he replied. He vaguely gestured in the direction of it as best as he could with the two drinks in his hands. “I kind of got bored of it being brown, so I thought, why not change it up a little?” 

Tyler’s eyes widened. “A little? Green is a lot different from brown.” With his free hand, he reached up and ran his fingers through his own fluffy brown locks. “It’s pretty cool, though.” 

“Thanks,” Josh replied. 

Zack and Natalie had sat down. Josh and Tyler both rolled their eyes. They were talking about, God knows what, and Natalie was giggling. Tyler knew that if Zack made a girl laugh, he wouldn’t be leaving her any time soon. 

“We’re going to be here a while,” Tyler informed Josh who, momentarily, set the drinks down under the bench. 

“It looks like it, doesn’t it?” Josh replied. 

Tyler nodded in agreement. 

Then, Josh started up a conversation—just a simple, get-to-know-you, kind of talk—the kind of conversations Tyler could never start. They talked about sports, music, school, and eventually Tyler’s condition was brought up like it inevitably was in every discussion about anything. Josh listened with an interest as Tyler told him about his cancer that Tyler had never seen anyone else have about it. It was, well, amazing, if that was the word, to have someone other than family seem to remotely care. Once cancer was no longer the subject, Tyler found out that Josh played the drums. Tyler told him that he played the piano and ukulele. Josh laughed and asked him if it was like the ukulele from Lilo and Stitch. Tyler rolled his eyes, and said that, no, it wasn’t exactly like that. 

Tyler and Josh talked for at least ten minutes, or longer—Tyler wasn’t good at keeping track of time—before Zack and Natalie approached them. Zack wore a I-really-need-to-tell-you-something kind of expression, and Natalie had a breathless look about her; she kept swiping her hair behind her ear. 

Josh stood up, grabbed his and his cousin’s drinks from under the bench, and held one of them out to her. She took it, nodded a greeting to Tyler, and flashed a smile at Zack before strolling to the big, automatic, exit door. Garland was strung over it too. 

Zack said something to Josh that Tyler didn’t hear, but the green-haired boy chuckled at it. Zack was about to say something else, but Josh cut him off. He turned back to Tyler. 

“I was thinking,” he began, “Ohio State is playing Duke on Saturday. If you want, we can figure out how to watch the game together.” 

Tyler raised his eyebrows. That was one of the best offers he had ever gotten. No one else in his family really cared about basketball. “Yeah, that sounds good,” Tyler replied. He leaned up, careful to put his weight on his left side, and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He handed it up to Josh. “You can put your number in there and we can…” 

Josh interrupted him by shoving his phone at him as well. Tyler took it and made a contact for himself. He finished before Josh. Once Josh finished, they gave the phones back to their proper owners. Josh said something to Zack and waved to Tyler before joining Natalie and leaving. 

“So!” Tyler began, his voice, almost, inappropriately loud. “You got yourself a girlfriend?” 

Zack rolled his eyes before undoing the break mechanism on his brother’s wheelchair. They headed back toward the table where their mother sat, still engrossed in her novel. “Not exactly,” he replied. “You got yourself a boyfriend?” he asked, mocking his brother’s tone. 

“What?” Tyler exclaimed. “No! Where’d you get that from?”

Zack shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe the way you were staring at him, all heart-eyed and blushing.”

Tyler took a deep breath. “I was not! He has green hair; it’s kind of hard not to—”

“Yeah, whatever,” Zack interrupted. 

“—look at him weird,” Tyler finished. 

Zack wore an I’m-not-arguing-with-you expression and said nothing more on the subject. 

Their mother looked up when she heard them approach. “You boys ready to head back upstairs? Tyler has a checkup in half an hour.” 

Tyler nodded. 

Zack shrugged, “Sure.” 

Their mother put her book back in her purse and stood up. Then they made their way to the elevator. 

On the way, Tyler unlocked his phone to look at his new contact. “Josh From The Hospital You Know The One With The Green Hair” was his second contact under J. Tyler smiled when he saw the longwinded name. He went to edit the contact and erased every word but the first; he wasn’t sure why Josh had been so descriptive; it wasn’t like Tyler was going to forget who he was. 

Zack was telling their mother about Natalie. He hadn’t exactly asked her out; he had, however, talked—or flirted, Tyler thought—and gotten her number. He said he had plans on calling her and inviting her to get coffee Saturday. 

“Or tomorrow,” he said. “Or do you think that would be too soon?” 

Their mother shrugged. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I’ve never asked a girl out before.”

Zack rolled his eyes. “No, but you’ve been asked out before.” 

Before she could reply, Tyler interrupted. “It might be best if you do it tomorrow, just so she doesn’t forget who you are.” 

Their mother giggled. “Tyler, that’s not nice,” she remarked. 

Tyler shrugged. “It’s the truth; he’s not very memorable—annoying maybe.” 

“Yeah,” Zack retorted. “You might be right. I don’t have green hair.” 

Tyler glared up at his brother. Their mother gave her sons a confused look. 

“Who has green hair?” she asked. “Natalie?” 

Zack faked a cough to hide a chuckle. “No,” he replied. “Tyler’s new friend—Natalie’s cousin—Jared…Jacob…does.” 

“It’s Josh,” Tyler corrected.

“Whatever,” Zack replied. 

“Tyler,” their mother said with a cheerful tone, “who’s your new friend?”

Tyler laughed a little before telling her how Zack had taken him to go meet Natalie and ended up leaving him with her cousin. He told her how and what they talked about; he told her about him—his hair and how he could play the drums. Eventually, Josh’s offer to get together to watch the Ohio State game rolled around. 

“Tyler, honey,” his mother began, “if anything, he’ll have to come to the hospital to watch it. I’m not sure if Dr. Hain wants you to go out for long periods of time yet.” 

“It’ll be like,” Tyler protested, “three hours or whatever.” 

“Three hours?” she asked. 

“Yeah. If you count the game and getting food or whatever.” 

His mother rolled her eyes. “I’ll have to talk to Dr. Hain. If anything, maybe he’ll discharge you to your normal room today or tomorrow, and you two can watch the game there.” 

That was definitely better than watching it in the recovery room in which he was currently staying. Tyler liked his normal room; it was almost like an apartment, but it was free—cancer perks, he guessed. 

The three made it back upstairs and to Tyler’s room where a nurse greeted them about half an hour later. Zack excused himself—he said to the restroom, but Tyler assumed somewhere quiet so he could text his new ‘not exactly’ girlfriend—while the nurse was in the room.

A quick scan of some kind showed that the new piece was settled in exactly how the doctors wanted and was beginning to heal. 

Dr. Hain didn’t come in as he had said. He had been called to some emergency, but he had sent a note saying that he would check up on Tyler sometime later that day. 

Later that day rolled around, about six, and Dr. Hain entered the room. Zack was on his phone, Tyler was watching television, and their mother was reading a book. 

“Hello, hello,” Dr. Hain greeted everyone in his, usual, happy banter. 

The report was one of the best Tyler had ever received—in any regard. Dr. Hain said that he was planning on, as Tyler’s mother had suggested earlier, releasing him to his normal room in the morning. 

+

(the next day)

 

Tyler: Hey, it’s Tyler. Are we still on for the game tomorrow? 

Josh: Hey! And yeah of course. My place or yours?

Tyler: Mine. I have to get the address from my mom first. Hold on. 

Josh: You don’t know your own address??? Ahahaha

Tyler: No, I do. My home one, anyway. I’m staying in some kind of room with the hospital. 

Josh: Oh my God, I’m sorry! I was just trying to be funny. 

Tyler: You’re fine.

Josh: Is it like one of those apartment things like Lucas stays in?

Tyler: Lucas?

Josh: Yeah. My cousin? Did you see the little boy Natalie was talking to yesterday?

Tyler: Yes. 

Tyler: And yes.

Tyler: Yes to both. 

Josh: Ahahaha. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Tyler: See you tomorrow. 

 

Tyler got the address to his room and sent it to Josh about fifteen minutes later. Josh replied with a bunch of exclamation points and emojis. 

+

“Tyler,” Zack shook his brother’s shoulder, waking him up.

Tyler blinked his eyes a couple times. When he finally opened them, he looked around. He was in his normal room—the one with colors and personality—as opposed to the while, scary recovery room. 

“What do you want? What time is it?” Tyler asked. 

Zack glanced down at his phone. “Nine,” he replied. “But you need to get up and get ready for your date.” 

Tyler sat all the way up and hit his brother in the shoulder. “It’s not a date, you weirdo,” he insisted. “He’s my friend, and I’m not gay. You need to shut up.” 

Zack rolled his eyes. A sly smirk grew on his face. “Okay, whatever.” He strolled toward the doorway that led to the kitchen. “Mom made pancakes if you want any!” 

That actually sounded amazing. Tyler rolled out of bed and joined his mother and brother in the kitchen. 

“How’s the walking?” his mother asked, turning off the stove and setting the pan in the sink. 

Tyler shrugged. “Like normal walking, I guess. It’s still a little sore though.” 

Dr. Hain had said that Tyler needed to start putting weight on his right side so that the new piece would heal properly. Tyler’s wheelchair was still in his room, just in case of an emergency or whatever, but he would much rather walk with a little discomfort than be in a wheelchair without any. 

When he sat down, his phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out and saw that he had a new text from Josh.

 

Josh: What’s your favorite fast food place?

Tyler: Taco Bell, why?

Josh: What do you get there?

Tyler: Usually the nacho bell grande and the cheesy gordita crunch

Josh: Okay, thanks. The game starts at two. I’ll be at your place at 1:30 if that’s okay?

Tyler: Yeah, that’s fine. 

 

“Who was that?” Zack asked around a mouthful of pancake. 

“Don’t talk with food in your mouth,” their mother chided. 

Zack mumbled something that sounded like an apology, but gestured with his fork for Tyler to answer his question. 

“Josh,” he replied. “Why?” He buttered and poured syrup over his own pancakes. 

“What’d he say?” 

Tyler shook his head and took a bite of his pancakes before answering, “He just said that he was going to be here at 1:30, that’s all.” 

Tyler’s mother furrowed her eyebrows. “Tyler, honey, what time’s the game?”

Tyler swallowed his new mouthful of pancakes. “Two, why?” 

“Oh, nothing,” she replied. “I have to run by the bank and then pick up a few groceries this afternoon. Would you like me to pick up some chips or anything for the game?” 

Tyler shrugged. “I think he’s bringing Taco Bell.”

Zack laughed. “And it’s totally not a date.”

Tyler glared at his brother. “He’s just bringing lunch.”

Their mother wore an extremely confused expression upon her face. She shook her head. “Zack, are you planning on watching the game, too?” 

“Sure,” he replied, dragging his last piece of pancake through the remaining syrup on his plate. “Could you pick up some chips for me? I don’t know if Josh will bring me anything.”

Zack and their mother had a little conversation to which Tyler payed no attention. He inhaled the rest of his breakfast then went to the bathroom to take a shower. He pulled out his phone while he waited for the water to heat up. 

 

Tyler: Hey, my brother’s going to watch the game with us if that’s okay. 

Josh: Yeah, whatever, but I’m not bringing Natalie. Ahahaha

Tyler: Lol, good. Just wanted to let you know. 

Josh: Ok thanks. How’s your morning been?

Tyler: Ok. My mom made pancakes.

Josh: Lucky.

 

Tyler locked his phone, set it on the counter, and climbed in the shower. The shower was always a good place for thinking, and that was exactly what he was doing. 

He had no idea what made Zack think that he and Josh were dating. They hadn’t even spoken for more than half an hour. They were watching a basketball game together. They both liked Taco Bell. He didn’t know how his brother thought that sounded gay. It wasn’t that there was anything wrong with it; one of his friends at his old school was gay. But Tyler wasn’t. He had even had a girlfriend a year or so ago. They had broken up because she moved away. 

Tyler shook his head, slinging water from his hair in the process. He was just going to ignore his brother. He did it all the rest of the time anyway. 

After he finished his shower, brushed his teeth, and did all his normal morning things, he went to the sitting room and sat down on the couch beside Zack who, like usual, was glued to his phone screen. After a few minutes, Tyler got a text.

 

Josh: What does your brother like from Taco Bell?

 

“Zack,” Tyler said, gaining his brother’s attention. 

“What?” he asked, still absorbed in his phone. 

Tyler rolled his eyes. “What do you like from Taco Bell?”

Zack shrugged. “I don’t know.” 

“That’s not an answer,” Tyler replied. His thumbs hovered over his keypad on his own phone. “What do you usually get?” 

Zack groaned, dramatically loud, and dropped his phone in his lap. “I don’t know. The Cool Ranch tacos are pretty good.” 

“Thanks,” Tyler said slowly as he typed out his reply.

 

Tyler: He likes the cool ranch tacos

Josh: Ok cool

 

“What for?” Zack asked. 

“I don’t know,” Tyler shrugged. He stood up and then went to his room. He wouldn’t tell Zack, but he was actually pretty excited to watch the game with Josh. He glanced at his phone. It was only 10:30. He’d have to find some way to entertain himself until 1:30. He glanced over to his ukulele in the corner. He was in the process of writing a song. Maybe he should finish that. He picked up the small instrument and sat on his bed. 

It was just a short little tune—right now he had it in the key of A—and only had a few words. He pressed down the right tabs and strummed over the strings. He hadn’t exactly finalized the lyrics. His notebooks were full of whiteout and scribbles. 

“We have all learned to kill our dreams,” he sang along quietly. 

He wanted to write a song about someone who had given up—who didn’t want to live anymore. He wanted that person to meet someone who changed all of that. That person they would meet would become extremely important to them; they would care about their thoughts and how they felt.

“I used to say I want to die before I’m old, but because of you, I might think twice,” he mumbled. 

He had a few words strung together, but not nearly enough to be complete. He didn’t even have a title. He sat on his bed with his ukulele for, he wasn’t sure how long, but he wrote a chorus. He had ended up grabbing his notebook and a pencil; the words were barely legible, but he knew what they meant. 

“I don’t care what’s in your hair, I just want to know what’s on your mind,” he said aloud as he wrote down the words. “I used to say I want to die before I’m old, but because of you I might think twice.” 

He liked how that sounded. Now he had to put it to music. He dragged it though eight counts of four, and it sounded pretty good. 

His phone went off beside him, bringing him out of his songwriting zone. 

 

Josh: I’m in the parking lot. I’ll be up in a few. 

 

Tyler glanced at the time. He must have taken forever to write just those few lines. 

 

Tyler: Ok! Room 217 Remember?

Josh: Yep

 

Tyler put his ukulele back in its corner, tossed his notebook in his dresser and went back to the sitting room. His mother was on the phone with someone, her purse over her shoulder as if she was about to head out. 

After she hung up, Tyler said, “Mom, Josh said he’s here, so…?”

She nodded. “It’s almost 1:30. Once he gets upstairs, I’m going to leave you three boys at it, and go run those errands." 

Tyler nodded. “Sounds great.” 

Then there was a knock on the door. Tyler’s mother opened it to Josh who was carrying a tray of drinks, a bag from Taco Bell, and a normal grocery bag filled with, what Tyler guessed and Zack hoped to be, snacks. 

“You must be Josh,” Tyler’s mother greeted him.

“Yes, ma’am,” Josh replied. Tyler took the tray of drinks from his friend so that he could shake his mother’s hand. “And you must be Tyler’s mom.” He flashed her a squinty grin. 

Tyler took the drinks over to the coffee table in the sitting room. When he set them down, Zack got his attention. 

“Mom seems to like him,” he joked. “One parent down, one to go.” 

Tyler furrowed his eyebrows. “What do you mean?” he whispered back. 

Zack rolled his eyes. “You never heard of the whole ‘meeting the parents’ thing? It is, however, usually after you’ve been together for a while. This is day, what, three? Jeez, you’re moving along pretty quickly.” 

Tyler glared at him. “Zack, please, stop. I’m serious, and…and don’t let him hear you talk like that.” 

Tyler left his brother and rejoined his mother and Josh at the door. They were talking about something—small talk probably or whatever. He caught the tail end of their conversation. 

“—and I should be back around four,” his mother was saying. 

Josh nodded. “Yes, ma’am, that sounds fine. We’ll, uh,” he glanced at Tyler then back to Tyler’s mother, “we’ll be here.” 

She nodded and smiled and picked up her keys from the counter beside the door. “Have fun.” 

After the door was closed, Zack shouted something about basketball that confused Tyler but made Josh laugh. They joined Zack in the sitting room where Josh announced that he had brought Taco Bell despite the obviousness of the bag and tray of drinks. The food was distributed, and they talked about the game while they were eating. Zack didn’t watch much basketball, but he was good at it. Tyler used to play for his school. Josh had only ever played against his friends just for fun.

It was almost two, so they turned on the television to the right channel. The commercials were entertaining Zack, and Josh dumped the contents of the plastic bag—which, after all did turn out to be snacks—onto the coffee table beside their Taco Bell trash. The pregame stuff was starting—stuff to which Tyler never paid much attention. Zack was sitting in a chair to the left of the television; Tyler and Josh were sitting together on the couch in front of it.

Right before the game was about to start, Tyler’s phone went off. It was a text from his brother who was literally five feet away from him. Why couldn’t he have just told him whatever he had to say out loud?

 

Zack: Looks like a date to me. 

 

That was why. 

+

Tyler’s mother had come home toward the end of the fourth quarter. Zack was waving his hands at the television, as if the players could see him. Josh was pacing behind the couch with his head in his hands, mumbling. Tyler was perched on the back of the couch running his fingers through his hair like he did when he was nervous. Ohio State was down by nineteen, and there was only two minutes left in the game.

“How are you boys doing?” Tyler’s mother barely got to ask before all three of them were desperately shushing her. 

Zack let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding when Duke called a time out. “It not like you need it!”

The three of them had a very stressful five minutes. Tyler grabbed another bag of Doritos to stress eat, Josh got dizzy from pacing, and Zack accidentally hit his hand on the mantle from waving it around so much.

The game ended, Ohio only gaining five more points—a three and two from free throws—and all three boys were upset. Josh and Zack were arguing whether the offence or the defense was to blame for the loss, and Tyler shoved his last two chips in his mouth before going to help his mother put away the groceries like he usually did.

“It sounds like you boys had fun,” Tyler’s mother remarked as they assembly lined the bottles of water into the fridge. 

“Yeah, all up until Ohio lost,” Tyler replied, sliding the last bottle into the fridge. “Is there anything else?” he asked, standing up. 

His mother shook her head. “Nope. That was the last of it.” 

Tyler nodded then joined Josh and Zack who were still disputing but picking up all their trash at the same time. Once all of it was in a small garbage bag, Zack dragged it to the big trashcan in the kitchen. 

“Thanks for lunch, by the way,” Tyler told Josh. “And for coming over.” 

Josh furrowed his eyebrows and looked to Tyler. “Hmm? Oh, yeah. No problem.”

Tyler slipped his hands into his pockets. “I, uh, I had a good time.” He internally cringed. That was so awkward. 

Josh, however, nodded in agreement. “Me too. I’m glad we could—” he gestured to the television. “—yeah.” 

Tyler smiled. “Maybe we can get together again sometime before Christmas?” he suggested. 

Josh picked his hat up off the couch and slid it down over his green hair. “Yeah. Yeah, definitely,” he replied. He glanced down to his phone for the time. It was a little after four. 

They stood in silence, neither of them sure what to say. Tyler looked down and dragged his sock-clad foot along the carpet. He was never good at breaking awkward silences. Hopefully Josh was. 

“Well,” Josh began, “I got to go. I told my mom I’d be home before five.”

Tyler looked back up to his friend. “Yeah, that’s fine.” His words came across kind of harshly. No, no, no, he hadn’t meant for them to come across harshly. 

Josh chuckled. “Tyler, really, I had a good time.” He was afraid that Tyler thought that he was lying, just to be nice, or whatever. 

Tyler shook his head. “What? No, I believed you. What’s—”

“Nothing,” Josh cut him off. “Don’t worry about it.” He playfully punched him in the shoulder. “See you later.” 

Tyler smiled. “See you later.” He walked Josh to the door of his room. After Tyler closed the door behind Josh, he leaned his head against it. He took a deep breath. He couldn’t explain it, but he desperately hoped that he wasn’t blushing. 

His phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out to read the new message. 

 

Zack: now it SOUNDS even more like a date

 

+

(four days later)

Tyler had gotten out of his scans about an hour ago. He and his mother were back in his room. Zack and Jay were over, but they had gone to get something to eat with their dad. Currently, Tyler was shoveling spoonful after spoonful of cereal into his mouth; he hadn’t been allowed to eat anything before the scans, and they were at ten. He claimed that he was starving to death when they returned to his room. 

Tyler’s mother was texting his father to check up on him, Zack, and Jay when she got an email notification. The sender was Dr. Hain. Suddenly becoming anxious, she tapped on it. It was oddly shorter than the usual emails she received from him. 

The message read, “I need to speak with you about Tyler’s scan results as soon as possible. I should be free from two to four today.”

She must’ve made a strange facial expression because Tyler dropped his spoon into his bowl. “Is everything okay?” he asked. 

She looked up to her son over her phone. She smiled weakly, locked it, and set it face down on the counter. She nodded. “Yeah. I’m sure.” 

(three hours later)

Tyler’s mother pulled out her phone to call Dr. Hain. He picked up immediately, surprisingly. 

“Is now a good time?” she asked. 

“Yes, yes, of course,” he replied. “Where can you meet me?” 

“Where is best for you?” After all, he was the one whose schedule was most important. 

“Is the lobby outside the fourth-floor food court alright?” 

“Uhm,” she replied. That was on the opposite side of the hospital campus. She could walk, she quickly decided. “Yes, sir, that’s fine.” 

She bade him farewell, told Tyler that she had to go outside for a few minutes, then quickly made her way to the location that Dr. Hain had specified. She found him sitting on a bench outside the Chick-fil-a, scrolling and tapping away at his tablet. 

“Doctor?” she asked as she came upon him. 

Dr. Hain looked up when he heard her voice. “Kelly,” he replied, standing. “How are you?” He gestured to the part of the bench beside where he had previously been sitting, inviting her to sit.

Kelly shrugged and shook her head as she sat down. “You’ve gotten me a bit worried, honestly. What do you need to talk to me about?” 

He sat down a respectful amount away from her and picked up his tablet. He began looking for Tyler’s files. “Tyler’s scans this morning,” he began, “did not come back the way we had hoped.” 

Kelly took a deep breath. “Is the piece not working properly?” 

Dr. Hain found Tyler’s file and opened the reports necessary. He looked up at her, his eyebrows raised in a concerned, yet sympathetic expression. “No. It’s actually just as it needs to be.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “We did, however, find some more cancer on the underside of his right lung.”

Kelly closed her eyes upon hearing the report. She took a few breaths. She didn’t know what to say but opened her eyes and nodded for him to continue. 

“The scans this morning weren’t set up in a way to see all of his lung. We’ll have to perform another one to find it all. But, of what we have seen, we cannot perform any kind of surgery to remove it. It would put his left lung at risk of absorbing some of the tissue of the right.” 

They sat in silence, Kelly thinking and fighting back tears, and Dr. Hain typing something into his tablet. After a while, Kelly nodded and asked, “Are we going to go back to radiation?” 

Dr. Hain shook his head. “Here’s the thing, the radiation methods we have here cover broader areas. When Tyler had some of the treatments, they were mostly for his liver, but some of the waves traveled up into his lung. If we were to do the radiation on this new place, some of the waves would travel to his heart.”

Kelly furrowed her eyebrows. “I’m not sure I understand.”

Dr. Hain folded his hands in his lap. “If we were to take that route, the radiation that would affect his heart could lead to other side effects—heart disease and other complications.”

“Is there not any way you could perform an ablation? Is there anything else?” she asked. 

“Any type of operation puts the cancer, due to its location, at risk of spreading even more.” He cleared his throat and tapped a few more things on his tablet. “Chemo is an option; it has far more precision than our radiation treatments.” 

Chemo had been an option before. When she had spoken to Tyler about it then, he had refused to even consider it. He’d laughed it off, saying that he didn’t want to lose his—in his words ‘flowing, fluffy, and gorgeous’—hair. He had eventually told his mother that some of his friends had gone through Chemo and came out worse after it. They had gotten weak and sick; the treatments had killed their immune system for, what seemed like, good. Tyler said that he looked at it as a kind of legal euthanasia.

“I don’t know, Doctor,” Kelly replied. “I’ll have to talk to Tyler and Chris.”

Dr. Hain nodded. “I understand. I just wanted to let you know as soon as possible.”

“Thank you,” Kelly said, although it wasn’t anything more than a whisper. 

+

Tyler woke up to the sound of his mother crying. She had left earlier, after his scans, that day for maybe half an hour. When she returned, she seemed paler than usual, but smiled as if nothing was wrong. He had been on his fourth bowl of Lucky Charms when she returned; she had wrapped her arms around him in a big hug and pressed a long kiss into his hair. He hadn’t thought anything of it, however. She just seemed to be in a good mood. 

When his father and brothers returned however, her mood seemed to drastically change. She and his father had gone out into the hallway to talk about something—something that wasn’t to be up for discussion nor were questions to be asked (his father’s words). Tyler had shrugged that off too, until now. 

Zack and Jay had gone home with their father who promised to be back first thing in the morning. 

Tyler squeezed his eyes shut and pulled his blanket up over his head, trying to block out the sound. It broke his heart, and he couldn’t deal with it anymore, so he got out of bed, wrapped his blanket around his shoulders like a cape and tiptoed into the sitting room where his mother was curled up in the corner of the couch, sobbing. He walked slowly up behind her and gently put his hand on her shoulder as not to scare her. 

“What’s wrong?” he whispered. 

She looked up at him and took a deep breath. Then she was shaking her head and inviting him to sit beside her. He took the invitation without hesitation. He wrapped his arms around his mother in an attempt to comfort her. 

“Mom, what’s wrong?” he asked again. He hoped that it didn’t have anything to do with her and his father’s discussion in the hallway. 

“Tyler, I…” she began, but started to cry again instead. 

Tyler ran his fingers through her hair, just like he had seen his dad do before, to comfort her. “You don’t have to tell me,” he began, “if you don’t want.” 

She swallowed thickly and sniffled. “I need to,” she said, “but, I don’t think right now is a good time.” 

Tyler was utterly confused, but whatever. His mother was in pain, and his confusion could wait. 

 

Tyler: Do you want to do something today?

Josh: No joke, I was LITERALLY about to ask you the same thing. 

Tyler: So is that a yes? 

Josh: Yes, it’s a yes!

Tyler: My mom is making hamburgers for lunch if you want to come over, like, now. 

Josh: Sounds good let me ask. 

Josh: I’ll be there soon. 

 

Tyler strolled to the kitchen, his phone in his pocket, but his hand still around it. “Hey, Mom, Josh is coming over if that’s okay.” 

She nodded. “Yeah, of course. Does he want a burger?” 

“I think so,” he replied. 

“I’ll make enough for the three of us then,” she said. 

Tyler sat down on a barstool. He set his phone on the counter and swung his feet back and forth. “What was wrong last night?” he asked. 

His mother sighed. “Tyler, I told you…”

“That you’d tell me later,” Tyler interjected. “Mom, I want to know. You’re just not crying for no reason.” 

She was silent as she finished making lunch. She set the burgers in the microwave with a cover over them to keep them warm until Josh arrived. Until then, she sat down beside Tyler and told him everything that Dr. Hain had told her the previous day. 

Tyler received the news without interrupting or reacting. He chewed his bottom lip and thought. 

“I’m not doing Chemo,” he eventually said. “I don’t want to,” he insisted. “If the cancer doesn’t kill me, that will.” 

His mother tapped her fingers on the counter. She looked as if she was trying to not tear up again. “Tyler, it’s the only option we have.” 

Tyler dragged the heels of his hands over his face. “I don’t want to go through it!” he exclaimed. 

Before his mother could respond, there was a knock on the door. Tyler whispered an apology for yelling before rising to go get it. 

As soon as he opened the door, he was tackled in a hug. “Merry Christmas!” Josh exclaimed. 

Tyler thought he was going to stop breathing—half from the surprise, half from Josh…everywhere. He eventually pushed his friend away. “Merry Christmas to you, too,” he replied. 

Josh held out a gift to him. “I got you something.” 

Tyler took the gift but immediately felt bad. He hadn’t gotten Josh anything yet. He wasn’t even sure what to get him. 

“Thanks,” Tyler replied. He took it into the kitchen where his mother and their, now ready, food was. 

“Hello, Mrs. Joseph,” Josh greeting Tyler’s mother. 

“Hello, Josh,” she replied. 

Tyler and Josh sat down on two of the three barstools in the kitchen. Tyler set his gift on the counter but a little to the side. Josh was staring at him, wide eyed like a child. 

“Are you going to open it?” he asked. 

Tyler furrowed his eyebrows. “Yes, why?” 

Josh leaned his head back, his hat falling to the floor in the process, and groaned dramatically. “You should open it now. I think you’re really going to like it.” 

Tyler sighed. “All right, fine.” He smiled at his friend then began to rip the paper off the box. Josh picked it up and tossed it to the trashcan a few feet away from him. 

Inside the box were two envelopes. He picked up the one on top first to open it. He had never been good at opening envelopes, and this time was no different. Once he got it ripped apart, he reached inside and pulled out a Taco Bell gift card. He laughed when he saw it. 

“Josh, that’s great!” he exclaimed. 

Josh flashed him a squinty smile. “I knew you would like it.” 

Tyler picked up the other envelope and began to open that one too. While they were occupied, Tyler’s mother had set their plates on the counter in front of them. Josh nodded and smiled at her, indicating a thank you, but returned to watching Tyler open his gift. 

It was another gift card, but this one to the music store downtown. Tyler had been there loads of times. He had been friends with the guy who owned it. 

He didn’t know what to say. “Thank you,” he eventually gasped, but was still surprised that Josh would have thought to get him something like that. 

Josh shrugged. “You said that you play the ukulele and piano. I don’t know what you can really get with that, but there’s some kind of ukulele case there for like fifty bucks. It looked nice, but I don’t know anything about ukuleles.”

Tyler slid both cards into the same envelope as not to lose them. “Thank you,” he said again. He would have to look at that case. The gift card would cover it and probably a new speaker for his keyboard too. 

Josh smiled. “I knew you would like it.” 

“I really do,” Tyler replied. 

After lunch, Josh thanked Tyler’s mom, then asked him to show him around. Tyler showed him the sitting room, which he had already seen before, the bathroom, the room where his mom slept, and his room. Josh liked Tyler’s room. He saw his ukulele in the corner and picked it up. 

“Yep,” he stated. “Just like Lilo and Stitch. You know the part when he’s trying to be Elvis?” 

Tyler nodded. “Yes, but it’s not like Lilo and Stitch really. It took me forever to learn.” 

Josh plucked around on the strings. “Who taught you?” 

Tyler hesitated. “Uh, myself. I taught myself.” 

Josh’s eyes widened. “Dude, that’s awesome.” He returned the instrument to its corner. “Have you written any songs?” 

Tyler shook his head. “No,” he lied. Then he felt bad. “Well, not really.” 

Josh raised his eyebrows at him. “What does not really mean?” 

Tyler shrugged. “Well, they aren’t good—the songs I’ve written, I mean.” 

Josh picked up Tyler’s ukulele again and held it out to him. “Let me hear one.” 

Tyler took his instrument and plucked at the strings and pressed down a few tabs. He didn’t know what song to play. He had written one a few months ago; it didn’t have a name, but it was about a person who wanted to talk to someone. The person knew that who they wanted to speak to was close by, but they didn’t know how to talk to them. He thought he might call it Trees, but that didn’t sound like a good song name. 

Josh listened as Tyler played his song. It was slow on his ukulele as compared to his piano, but he still played it as he would if Josh hadn’t even been there. 

After he finished, Josh clapped. “That was great, Tyler,” he told him. “You should really write more songs.” 

Tyler bit his lip. “I have. They’re just not great.” 

Josh rolled his eyes. “That’s what you said about the one you just did, and it was wonderful! Play me more. You’re a good singer.”  
Tyler cleared his throat. “Thanks.”

He ended up playing Josh three more songs. Josh clapped after each one and insisted that they were all great. Tyler considered showing him the one on which he was currently working, but Josh’s mom called before he could. 

“I have to go home,” Josh told him. “Mom wants me to help her with something.” 

Tyler nodded. “That’s fine.” He set his ukulele on his bed and followed his friend out to the front door. 

Before Josh left, he asked, “Do you want to hang out tomorrow, too?” 

Tyler shook his head. “I can’t. I’ve got some scans.” 

“Oh,” Josh replied. “I hope everything comes back good.” 

Tyler took a deep breath. “Yeah,” he replied. “Thanks.” 

After Josh left Tyler went back to his room. He closed the door behind him, leaned back against it, and sank down to the floor. Josh wanted him to get good results, and Tyler wasn’t going to get good results. Tyler couldn’t imagine telling him about it. If he told him the newest results, it would lead to him explaining everything about his past with cancer, and he really didn’t want to travel down that road—not yet. Maybe eventually, he would tell him. 

+

(six months later)

“Happy birthday!” Tyler shouted to Josh over the phone.

“Thank you,” Josh replied. He took a breath to say something nice back, but Tyler broke out into the Happy Birthday song, accompanied with his ukulele. 

After Tyler finished the song, he asked, “Can we get lunch today or something? I got you a present, and I really want you to open it.” 

“Yeah, sure thing,” Josh replied. He mumbled somethings to himself before continuing, “I’m having dinner with my family at seven, so as long as I’m back by then, it should be fine." “Okay,” Tyler replied. “Meet me and my mom at Taco Bell at one?” 

Taco Bell had become one of their favorite places to hang out. They both loved it, and Tyler even claimed to have written a song about it. He said that he would never play it for Josh, though. Only he and his brother Jay knew about it, and he really wanted to keep it that way. 

When they met at Taco Bell, they did their secret handshake that they had been working on for weeks. Tyler’s mom held Josh’s gift bag while they did it. 

She handed it back to Tyler and told both boys, “I have to go pick up Jay from basketball, and then I have to take him to the house-house. Josh, do you think you could take Tyler back to the room? He has a key.” 

Josh nodded. “Yes, ma’am. It wouldn’t be a problem.”

“Thank you,” she replied. “You boys have fun, now.” 

“Bye, Mom,” Tyler said and gave her a hug before she went back to her car and drove off. 

Josh opened the door to the restaurant, Tyler went in past him, and they got in line. It was short; only two other people were ahead of them. When it was their turn, Tyler pulled out his wallet to dig out seven bucks to cover the bill. Josh protested and said that he would pay for his own, but Tyler told him that it was his birthday so he shouldn’t have to pay. Even after they had gotten their food and went to a table, Josh was thanking him. 

“Josh, it’s no big deal,” Tyler told him, temporarily sliding their tray of food to the side. “Seriously. I just wanted to do something nice for my friend.” He reached down under the table where he had set Josh’s gift. He picked it up and set it on the table between them. “Happy birthday.”

Josh looked around the bag to Tyler who wore a cheesy grin and wide eyes. “Thank you,” he said before taking out the tissue paper. He stood up because the bag was too tall to look in from sitting down. There was a long box inside. He grabbed it, pulled it out, then set the bag back on the floor. 

“Tyler, these are great!” Josh exclaimed, his voice a little louder than it probably should have been. 

Tyler had gotten him a new set of drumsticks. According to the sticker on the side of the box, they had been personalized. 

“Did you get these made?” he asked, running his fingers over the clear plastic lid of the box. 

Tyler nodded. “Mark—the guy who owns the music store—and I are friends. He knows a guy who knows a guy who makes different things like this. I talked to him to see what he could do, and, well, I thought they looked pretty cool. I thought you would too.” 

Josh did think so too. He wouldn’t stop talking about them—how he couldn’t wait to get home to try them out, how half of him didn’t even want to get them out of the box, how he loved how they looked, and how Tyler was too thoughtful to think of getting them. 

After they had eaten, Tyler threw away their trash while Josh was still admiring his new drumsticks. Tyler went to rejoin him at the table, but Josh looked up just then. “You ready to go?” he asked. 

Tyler smiled. “Sure.” He watched as Josh gingerly set his drumsticks back in the gift bag. 

A few minutes after they got to Tyler’s room, Tyler got a text from his mom, saying that she would be there a little later than she had anticipated and asking if Josh could stay until she got there. It was only 2:30, so Josh said yes. He had been planning on staying a little while anyway. 

Tyler sat his Baja Blast on the counter beside the door. “Do you want to watch a movie or anything?” 

Josh shrugged. “What do you have?” 

Tyler went over to the television and bent down beside the small shelf beside it. “Uh, Star Wars, The Hobbit, some Disney movies.” 

Josh joined him. “We should watch Lilo and Stitch.” 

Tyler furrowed his eyebrows. “Why?” 

Josh took the movie from the shelf and put in in the DVD player. “It’s like your ukulele.” 

Tyler sat down on the couch and sighed dramatically. “I’ve told you like a million times that it’s not.” 

Josh rolled his eyes and sat down beside him. “Yeah, whatever,” he chuckled. He toed off his shoes and pulled his feet up underneath himself. 

They watched maybe fifteen minutes of the movie before they began talking. They had gotten over the whole small talk thing months ago. Now they talked about things that seemed to matter a little more than sports or the weather. Life, in general, became a point of discussion, along with Mountain Dew and cheese. Josh claimed that white cheddar was the best; Tyler disagreed and said that provolone was better than white cheddar any day. They both agreed that the Baja Blast from Taco Bell was the best Mountain Dew. 

“Do you want to go to college or anything?” Tyler asked. 

“I don’t know,” Josh admitted. “There’s nothing I really want to study.”

“Music,” Tyler suggested. 

“Yeah,” Josh agreed. “But I don’t really have the money to go to college. What about you?” 

Tyler shook his head. “Money, like you. Being here drains you of cash. My mom complains about having to afford Zack and Jay’s sports stuff.” 

“I’m sorry,” Josh told him. “If they’re any way I can help—”

Tyler sighed. “No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” 

Josh leaned his head back; he looked at the rooms behind him upside down. “Do you ever want to get married?” 

Tyler raised his eyebrows and swallowed a few times. He ran his fingers through his hair out of nervous habit. "Maybe,” he guessed. “Eventually. I mean, I want to, I guess.”

Josh chuckled. “Yeah, my mom wants me to. I’ve only ever had one girlfriend, and we broke up like two years ago.” He sat back up. “I can’t remember why, really. All I can remember was that it was over something dumb.”

Tyler grimaced. “That sucks.” 

“What about you?” Josh asked. 

Tyler’s fingers stilled in his hair. “What about me?”

Josh rolled his eyes. “Have you ever had a girlfriend?” 

“Oh,” Tyler nodded. “Yeah. She moved to Arizona.” 

“Not into the long-distance thing?” Josh joked. 

Tyler shook his head. “Nah.” He turned his attention back to the movie. He hadn’t seen it in forever, so he was confused on what was happening. Maybe he’d figure it out shortly. 

Josh didn’t watch the movie; he watched Tyler instead—how he twisted his fingers along in his hair, how he tapped his foot along to the movie soundtrack. Josh couldn’t explain it. Tyler fascinated him—his eyes, his eyelashes, his arms, his hands, his everything else. 

“Tyler,” Josh blurted, his voice almost a whisper. 

Tyler raised his eyebrows and looked from the movie to his friend. Josh’s eyes were wide with a curiosity that Tyler couldn’t place; his cheeks were pinker than usual; he kept chewing on his bottom lip. “You okay?” Tyler chuckled. 

Josh sighed. “Yeah, it’s just…” 

“Just…?” Tyler was becoming super confused. 

Josh wrung his hands and cleared his throat. “Can I tell you something?” 

Tyler nodded. He was worried that Josh didn’t feel well. He looked like he was going to pass out or something. “Yeah,” he answered, although it sounded more like a question as well. 

Josh took a deep breath. “Ok, I’m sorry if it’s weird or whatever,” he began, “but I kind of have, like, feelings for you.” His last few words trailed off quietly. 

Tyler stared at Josh. Curiosity then nixed his confusion. “Oh,” he whispered. “Like…?” 

“Yeah,” Josh mumbled. “I’m sorry.” 

Tyler gasped. “No, don’t be. It’s fine. I just, I’m not sure…”

Josh shook his head. “I’m going to go to the bathroom,” he said quickly, standing up. He went to the bathroom; Tyler heard him lock the door. 

Tyler paused the movie, stood up, and went to his room. He flopped down on his bed and dragged the heels of his hands over his face. Could he have been any more awkward? He knew that it must have taken a lot of courage for Josh to tell him about his feelings. And what had he done in return? —mumbled nonsense and made Josh feel bad. 

After five minutes that felt like years to Tyler, Josh came into his room. He sat on his bed beside him who still had his hands over his face. He separated his fingers enough to see Josh’s expression. Then he immediately sat up. 

“Josh, I’m sorry for being weird or whatever,” Tyler admitted. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad or anything.” 

Josh set his hand on Tyler’s shoulder. “Tyler, you’re fine. You didn’t do anything in the first place.”

Tyler swallowed thickly. “I did, too. I mean, you told me about your feelings, and I didn’t really say anything back.” 

Josh raised his eyebrows. “What would you have said?” 

Tyler shrugged. “I don’t know; that I like you back or something?” 

Josh didn’t know how to respond. He chewed the inside of his cheek. Half of him hoped that those words had been the truth; the other half rationed that he had just said it in an attempt to apologize for absolutely nothing. 

“Tyler, you don’t—” Josh began to say, but Tyler interrupted him. 

“No,” Tyler said shortly. He mumbled over a few other words that Josh didn’t understand then asked, “Can I…?”

Josh barely had time to acknowledge what he had asked before Tyler leaned forward and gently placed his lips on Josh’s. 

Neither of them responded to the contact; their lips were still against each other’s. 

Tyler ended up pulling away first. His face was bright red with blush. “Josh, I didn’t mean…” he began but quickly forgot what he was saying. 

Josh’s heartbeat has gotten super fast. He didn’t know if he was ever going to be able to get it to slow back down. “Tyler…” Josh went to respond, but ended up kissing him again instead. 

They both responded to the action this time. Tyler’s hands were gently resting on Josh’s shoulders; one of Josh’s hands was on the bed, and the other was at the back of Tyler’s neck, his fingers exploring up into his hair. 

Tyler gasped into the kiss, his mouth opening enough for Josh to run his tongue along Tyler’s bottom lip. Tyler squeezed his eyes shut and jumped back from the new sensation.

His eyes became wide. He had some kind of internal conversation with himself before looking back up at Josh and trying to covey that they should kiss again. 

Josh apparently got the message, because once more, he connected their mouths. 

Out of something that Josh couldn’t describe, he crawled closer to Tyler until he was straddling his hips, one knee on either side of his lap. 

Tyler reached around behind Josh and ran his fingers up and down his back. He really wanted to run his fingers through his hair. He refrained from doing so, half out of not wanting to go too much faster, and half out of Josh’s hat being in the way. 

They each broke off the kiss to catch their breath. Tyler looked down, but Josh kept looking at Tyler; he leaned his forehead against his. Then Tyler looked up with just his eyes. The eye contact that resulted from that small action sent a wave of heat through Josh’s chest. He sighed deeply before instinctively kissing Tyler again. 

It was brief—a little longer than just a peck on the lips—and when he pulled away, he buried his face in Tyler’s shoulder. He whispered words that Tyler couldn’t understand, into his neck, and Tyler felt chills race down his spine. 

Tyler’s breathing was growing heavier; his heartbeat was accelerating. 

Josh planted a quick kiss on Tyler’s neck before sitting back up and leaning his forehead against Tyler’s. They caught each other’s eyes immediately, and Tyler, out of involuntary instinct or something else, bucked his hips up slightly. 

Josh closed his eyes at the motion; he bit his lip before reopening them and tentatively rolling his own hips down against Tyler’s. He did it a few more times before Tyler responded, shifting up to meet each of Josh’s movements. Their faces still in close proximity, their breaths mixed together. 

The heat in Josh’s chest seemed to have spread throughout his whole body; even his fingertips and toes were buzzing with the sensation. He grinded down harder against Tyler, whose breathing had become ragged. 

Tyler mumbled some incoherencies that trailed off into a long whine, deep in his throat. All of the feelings—the ones in his brain and his body and the ones from Josh and their warm contact—were too much, yet not enough at the same time. He tried desperately to push his hips farther up into Josh, but they were caught between his knees, rendering too much movement almost impossible. 

Those feelings were falling more toward not enough, and Tyler really wanted them to be too much—far too much. His vision had gone blurry with another, new feeling, channeled mostly behind his eyes and between his legs, that he couldn’t name. He briefly wondered if Josh was feeling, whatever that feeling was, too. That feeling felt good; he wanted Josh to feel whatever that feeling was, too.

Before he could find out, Tyler released a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. He kissed Josh’s lips gently and then breathed, “Stop.” It wasn’t like he wanted to stop. He didn’t, but he also knew that if they didn’t, they might end up somewhere he wasn’t sure he wanted to be.

Josh listened to Tyler’s words and stilled his hips’ movements. Their foreheads were still together. Their breath was still mixing between them. 

Josh caught his breath before chuckling, “That was interesting.”

Tyler grinned. “Yeah,” he agreed. Interesting was definitely a word to describe what that had been. It had been kind of licentious, but still somehow chaste at the same time. It had felt good; it had felt really good.

Tyler mumbled something to himself before reaching up behind Josh, flipping his hat off, and tangling his fingers in his wavy green hair. It was softer than he had expected it to be. He leaned forward a little and kissed Josh gently. When he pulled away, both himself and Josh were wearing small grins. 

They stared into each other’s eyes in silence. Tyler’s eyes, dark brown, but still somehow light brown at the same time, looked heavy—like they were fighting many things; Josh could see some turmoil behind their—quite possibly imposed—lovely surface. Josh’s eyes were dark. Tyler couldn’t think of a color to describe them; brown would be too generic and black too cliché. They were like the sky at nighttime when there were a few clouds.

Eventually, Josh crawled off Tyler, leaving him to whine at the sudden lack of warmth. Josh smiled—or he continued to smile; Tyler hadn’t seen that expression leave his face. “Let’s finish the movie,” he suggested.

Tyler’s grin grew wider, and he hopped up and followed Josh to the sitting room where they continued their little expedition of watching Lilo and Stitch.

+

(four days later)

“How’re you feeling?” Tyler’s mother whispered, gently brushing her fingers along her son’s forehead and cheeks. 

Tyler opened his eyes and squinted around. He was in a small room with only a large, white curtain for a door. Countless cards and partially wilted bouquets were placed haphazardly in the large windowsill where a few faint rays of sunlight were shining through thin curtains. 

Before he could ask, his mother answered, “CCU.” She told him what many nurses and Dr. Hain said about his liver starting to shut down; she explained how his decision not to go through Chemo hadn’t been the main perpetrator in it, despite what a new referral doctor from North Carolina insisted. 

A heavy feeling had settled over Tyler’s chest; it was something that he couldn’t really describe. It felt kind of like in a swimming pool, when you hold your breath under the water for too long, and your vision goes blurry at the sides, and your chest tightens up. Except in a swimming pool, that feeling reminds you of vacation and summer. The one over his chest now reminded him of nothing he had ever felt before; it made him want to cry, and he never wanted to feel it again. 

He glanced up at his mother and asked, “I’m not going to die, am I?” 

His mother bit her lip and blinked her eyes a couple times and replied, “Tyler, baby, I—I’m really not sure. Dr. Hain’s not sure. Your numbers keep fluctuating; they’re kind of hard to keep up with.” She found it somewhere within her to smile slightly. “Kind you like you,” she joked. 

Tyler thought about her words and chuckled at her joke at first, but then a bunch of things came into his head, and he felt really cold, and he couldn’t breathe. He realized that he might die. He didn’t want to die—at least not anymore. 

He’d considered suicide a couple of times after his first few radiation treatments. He thought that it would save his parents some money, maybe. After all, he didn’t really see the point. What was he worth—the attention of a few doctors and nurses who would much rather spend their time elsewhere? Since then, he usually ignored those thoughts. He had come up with many ways on how he could take his life, but now, none of them would work. Maybe he could figure out which IVs were vital and tear them out, but he wouldn’t want to now. For some reason that he couldn’t think of, he wanted to live.

He thought a little harder.

Josh. 

That was it. 

Tyler felt the back of his eyes warm up with tears. “Mama, I can’t tell—” he began, but choked up before continuing. “—Josh. He’ll…I don’t know what he’ll do.” 

The curtain slid open, and a nurse walked in. She checked the little computer and replaced on of Tyler’s IVs. He hadn’t paid attention to a word she had said. 

Once she left, he began talking too fast, but, with a little concentration, his mother could make out what he was saying. “If I tell him, he’ll get mad. If I don’t, he’ll get mad too. He probably won’t even come to the funeral; he’ll be at Taco Bell or something. I haven’t even spent that gift card he gave me for Christmas. I should just give it back—both of them. He wanted me to get that case for my ukulele, and I wrote a song, and—”

His mother furrowed her eyebrows. “You wrote a song about Josh?” she asked.

Tyler pressed his lips together. His eyes widened. “No, why?”

His mother smiled gently. “No reason.” Part of her wondered if Tyler had a small crush on Josh. She would never ask him, for she knew that he would deny it, no matter the cost.

“It’s one of my favorite songs, though,” he offered. 

She nodded. “You should play it for me sometime.” 

“Can I do it in here?” he asked. “Did you bring my ukulele?” 

His mother shook her head. “No, I doubt you could play it in here.” She thought a little before suggesting, “Maybe you could just tell me some of the lyrics.”

Tyler hummed to himself before agreeing. “Ok. Well, the chorus is like ‘I used to say I want to die before I’m old, but because of you, I might think twice.’ The pre-chorus is my favorite, though. It goes like, ‘If you stick around, I’ll sing you pretty sounds, and we’ll make money selling your hair.’”

“That’s,” his mother searched for the right word. “good,” she concluded. “You haven’t written anything like that before.” 

Tyler shrugged. Maybe she had been right; maybe that song was about Josh. 

“Who is it about?” she asked.

Tyler shook his head. “What, why?” 

His mother shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, you said it wasn’t about Josh, so I was just curious as to who else it could be.” 

Tyler furrowed his eyebrows and glanced over to his mother. He thought a little, then smirked. “Yeah, it’s not about Josh.” He thought a little more. “Maybe one day, it will be.”

+

(one week later)

Josh sat on the steps on the back porch of the Joseph’s house. He’d lost his suit coat either somewhere indoors or in his mother’s car. He knew the wood on the steps might mess up his slacks, but he had had enough of people he didn’t know hugging him and offering him water or iced tea.

It was quiet outside; that was why he went there. The sounds of toddlers, who didn’t know any better, giggling and playing together and muffled conversations and sniffles all became too much. He hadn’t even bothered to tell his mother he had gone outside. Before he closed the screen door behind himself, he had seen his cousin Natalie talking to Tyler’s brother Zack who, although sporting tear stained cheeks, spoke with confidence, as still to impress her. 

Josh didn’t know how long he sat there. He dragged his shoes along in the grass, trying to focus on the sound they made and the probability of his mother fussing about having to clean them later than the weird emptiness in his head and his heart. 

He felt guilty—if guilty was the right word. He had been asked to say something, but he had refused the offer. What would he have said? If anything, he would have mumbled some nonsense and ran off somewhere to throw up. Tyler wouldn’t have wanted him to do that. Well, maybe he would have. Josh grinned a little, thinking about how Tyler would laugh at him but still hook him up with a Ginger Ale or a travel toothbrush and toothpaste after the fact. 

Josh dropped his head into his hands. He stayed like that for a while. Yeah, it was hot outside in the middle of July, but it was better than being inside with everyone else.  
“Hey,” he heard someone behind him.

Josh looked up. “Hi, Jay,” he replied, sliding over to make room beside him on the step. 

Tyler’s brother sat down beside Josh. “It’s crazy in there,” he offered. 

Josh agreed. “Glad I’m not the only one who thinks so.” 

Jay sighed before leaning up and pulling an envelope out of his back pocket. He handed it to Josh. “Mom found this in Tyler’s room.” 

Josh looked at it closely. His name was on the front in Tyler’s handwriting. He was careful when he opened it. Inside, were about four pieces of paper. He glanced over them briefly. He wanted to read them alone, not with anyone else around. 

“Thanks,” Josh told him. “I’ll have to read these.” 

Jay stood up and made to go back indoors. “I’ll leave you to it.”

After thorough examination and countless tries of flipping the papers one way and another, Josh concluded that it was a song that Tyler had written. In between a few of the papers was a bright green sticky note. It read, “I didn’t write this song about you. This song is not about you, but today it is.” 

Josh neatly folded the papers back together and slipped them back in the envelope. He ran the heels of his hands over his face.  
He missed Tyler; he missed him really bad. 

He thought about all the things that they hadn’t gotten to do together. He had begun to save up money to buy them both tickets to a basketball game that winter; he had planned on asking him out after that game. He had wanted to make Taco Bell and watching Lilo and Stitch on each of their birthdays a tradition. He hadn’t gotten to tell him so many things, but at least he had known about his feelings for him. He couldn’t wait for the day to tell him that he loved him. 

Josh had told himself that he wasn’t going to cry, and he had been successful until now. Tears were streaming silently down his face as he thought of all the things they were never going to be able to do. They were never going to move in together; they were never going to get a dog together; they were never going to try to make pancakes for breakfast, accidentally burn them all, and end up getting brunch at a local café together; they were never going to travel to new places together; they were never going to sneak food into a movie theatre together; they were never going to make love together; they were never going to be together like Josh had wanted—like he hoped Tyler had wanted.  
He missed Tyler; he missed him really bad. 

He hoped that Tyler knew that he would always stick around and listen to all the pretty sounds he could sing him, just like the song had asked. He wanted Tyler to know that he was what was on his mind. 

Josh missed Tyler; Josh missed Tyler really bad, and he hoped that he knew that.


End file.
